I watched Transformers again, and this time it really struck me. This movie would have been so much better if not for that monkey behind the camera. Jesus tittyfuck, I don’t know where to begin.
The slow-mo camera pans: Oh lord. A Michael Bay movie basically just consists of shot after shot of slow-motion camera panning.
Look Michael, slow-motion can be cool if used properly. And by properly I mean not in every scene. It’s like watching a 50-cent video without all the hoes, and really without the hoes it doesn’t have much going for it.
The music: Straight from the Jerry Bruckheimer school of moviemaking. Drown everything with bad music and maybe people wont notice how crappy the script really is. I mean really, is a few minutes without patriotic music too much to ask?
The end (or lack of one): Bad Boys 2 is 147 minutes. Let me repeat that, it is ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN MINUTES LONG! Mother of mercy I am going to have a seizure. I’m not trying to be some kind of movie elitist here, but really, if a movie is going to be over two hours long, it needs to have a script that can carry it. Can Oliver Stone, Michael Mann, Brian DePalma manage that? Why yes, yes they can. Michael Bay? Not so much. There is only so much slow-motion car crashes and spinning cameras a man can take before he breaks down and curls up into a little ball.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I liked Transformers, but it was no thanks to Mr. Bays’ directing. That chump could not direct himself out of a paper bag. Does that sentence make sense? No. Do I care? No.
I have an idea. Let’s put Uwe Boll and Michael Bay in a cage and let them fight to the death. The winner gets shot in the face by me.