Jesus Christ people…

June 26, 2009

…he fucked small boys! End of story.

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Why Al Franken is awesome…

January 10, 2009

Suck it Coulter!


And in other news…

January 18, 2008

…Tom Cruise is absolutely nuts. No wait, that’s not news at all. Carry on.


I hate Michael Bay so much…

October 3, 2007

I watched Transformers again, and this time it really struck me. This movie would have been so much better if not for that monkey behind the camera. Jesus tittyfuck, I don’t know where to begin.

The slow-mo camera pans: Oh lord. A Michael Bay movie basically just consists of shot after shot of slow-motion camera panning.
Look Michael, slow-motion can be cool if used properly. And by properly I mean not in every scene. It’s like watching a 50-cent video without all the hoes, and really without the hoes it doesn’t have much going for it.

The music: Straight from the Jerry Bruckheimer school of moviemaking. Drown everything with bad music and maybe people wont notice how crappy the script really is. I mean really, is a few minutes without patriotic music too much to ask?

The end (or lack of one): Bad Boys 2 is 147 minutes. Let me repeat that, it is ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN MINUTES LONG! Mother of mercy I am going to have a seizure. I’m not trying to be some kind of movie elitist here, but really, if a movie is going to be over two hours long, it needs to have a script that can carry it. Can Oliver Stone, Michael Mann, Brian DePalma manage that? Why yes, yes they can. Michael Bay? Not so much. There is only so much slow-motion car crashes and spinning cameras a man can take before he breaks down and curls up into a little ball.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I liked Transformers, but it was no thanks to Mr. Bays’ directing. That chump could not direct himself out of a paper bag. Does that sentence make sense? No. Do I care? No.

I have an idea. Let’s put Uwe Boll and Michael Bay in a cage and let them fight to the death. The winner gets shot in the face by me.


What I want for christmas

July 14, 2007

norris-jeans.jpg

Dude, it does not get more awesome than this…


I don’t believe it…

June 8, 2007

A medical condition. A MEDICAL CONDITION?! What medical condition, too much fucking air in her head?! Just as I was doing my victory dance in the nude around the apartment, my wife finds out that Paris Hilton has been released from prison. After 3 days.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

Her cell was aparently cold. Wow. Just wow. Now, I’m no expert at jails, unlike Paris Hilton I’ve never been in one, but for the love all that is holy and sacred and good in the world, what the fuck did she expect?

You know what this is? I’ll tell you what this is. This is the law enforcement bending over and letting the grand dipshit that is Paris Hilton take them up the ass. It’s basically saying “Oh we don’t mind. Do whatever you please. We won’t stop you. Here is a puppy, kill it and drink its blood and we’ll all clap hands and cheer. When you’re done, take this Hummer and run over a class of pre-schoolers.”

Jesus Christ man!